hi everyone...
alright. its been quite a while since ive been here. my boyfriend chris (yes, still the same one, whoo) checks up on this site periodically to make sure i'm; 1. not about to top myself, 2. not pissed off with him, or 3. made aware of any comments and/or 'are you dead?' notes that may be left on the front page... i havent actually been here for more than a year. i know. terrible friend. im sorry about that, i truly am. so this is my moment, i guess, to tell you all why i havent been here, and why i probably wont be here for quite some time more.

back when i first started on dA, god, years ago... i was a very unhappy person. you probably remember me saying stuff about being depressed and wanting it to end. most of my writing those days was devoted to my feeling of unhappiness, worthlessness and inadequacy. let me tell you the truth about where that all came from. right now. from the very beginning.

when i was a young girl, actually until this day, but i started realising it at about age 8, my life was very much affected by my father. more than i would care to elaborate in such an open forum. lets just say, brian was a very difficult man to live with, very demanding, overly critical of everything, and never happy with anything anyone presented to him. he isnt a happy man, and i think part of my problem is hereditary, as he suffers not only from constant heart and circulatory failure, but also depression, paranoia, insomnia and anxiety at any given time. (i might point out that it is 3:18am at the moment, and i can't for the life of me fall asleep, go figure). anyway, as happens to about half of families these days, my parents, after a long and often bloody struggle to make it work, decided to separate. a lot of you will have had this happen, and i can understand that, although tragic, it didn't push you in any way towards the somewhat drastic measures i took later on in lafe to make sense of things. however, i believe everyone copes differently, and what affects some people does not necessarily affect others. also, try to remember i was only 8, and had just spent the last year at least watching my father beat my mother over the head with various kitchen appliances while we were having dinner every night.

anyway, one night, when i was sent to stay with my father for the weekend, i was mucking around with nial clippers and nail files (i was just discovering girly stuff after being an insufferable tomboy for most of my childhood). ive always been quite obsessive and inclined to go to far with things, and this time it was nail cuticles. i decided mine were too big. so i cut them off. then i cut my nails right down as far as they would go without bleeding, because they weren't all the same length. i then proceeded to cut away all the skin from around my nail beds, as far up and down my fingers as i could go without crying. when i moved my fingers, it hurt. and i liked it. it was something i could control, something no one else could tell me how to do or stop me from doing.

from there i went to the rest of my nails. i would cut little nicks into the sides of my finger and toenails all the way up to the cuticle, and then rip them off piece by piece with tweezers. that was always a favourite of mine and to this day i have an obsession with my nails that leaves them short and disfigured, the cuticles often bleeding, because i cant break the habit and leave them alone. it might not sound like much, but if you have ever accidentally ripped a nail off, you'll know how much it hurts. then try cutting the quick (that part of your flesh that is under your nails, connecting them to your fingers) off your fingers with nail clippers. you will find it is impossible to do anything without pain. at times i went so far as to cut all the skin from the soles of my feet, leaving them red and raw. i often wonder how an 8 year old got such sick ideas, but there you are. it happens, and usually its found in places you would least expect it. none of my family or friends knew that i was doing this on purpose. my mother used to scold me for chewing my nails, but she never knew and will never know what was really going on in my childhood.

i spent every day from there on in, in pain of some kind. if i couldnt get at nails clippers or tweezers, i was digging rocks or sticks into my legs, 'accidentally' running into things, hitting my head against walls, punching cement, biting myself, scratching holes into my skin, hitting myself over the head with books, saucepans, toys... you name it, ive done it. but i always hid it from everyone. this was my little secret. the one thing i could count on, the one thing i could always rely on, the one thing no one else could control, no one else could take away from me. it was mine. and it was terrible bliss. i can specifically remember one time, early on, when something particularly unpleasant had happened, going into my bedroom, getting out my manicure set, doing my thing and thinking to mysef 'take it, girl, just take it. you're the boss of this, enjoy it, love it. it is yours. take it, stupid. its what you deserve'. it may sound hypocritical and self-obsessed, but no 8 year old should ever have to think that. i dont exactly know why i did, but i guess that was just my lot.

by the time i was 14, i had progressed to full-blown cutting. not with rocks or nail clippers. by then i owned my own stanley knife (for you americans, box cutter) set, and blades, the whole she-bang. it got worse and worse until one day, finally, someone noticed. unfortunately, she was probably the worst person to be placed in that kind of situation, as she herself was suffering from severe anorexia and instead of being able to help, she somewhat encouraged me in that she adopted self harm in the same forms as i was using, in addition to her own disease. it was around this time, or perhaps a little after that i first found dA, so most of you will probably know the melita story. if not, the short version is, she was and is a very sick person, and decided that when she no longer needed my constant love and support, she no longer needed my friendship, period. this left me lost and completely alone, i by that time having surrendered all of my other friends to secure her wellbeing. stupid perhaps, on my behalf, but i was really just trying to help.

unfortunately, my need for her to need me, and also to care about me back, made it impossible for me to let go of the issue. i still have trouble with the memory of her and resent what she did to me. the only way you could possibly understand our relationship would be if you had come to care for someone so deeply, that you willingly became them, took on all their ideals and problems, and did everything they did, in hopes to understand and somehow fix their suffering. this i did for her. and she left me. it destroyed me. it was around this time that i tried to take my own life the first time. obviously, i failed miserabley. im not going into the details because i dont want to give anyone ideas. thank goodness it didnt work, although thats not how i felt at the time.

anyway, after that, there were other attempts, other situations, other pains. this went on full throttle until about september 2005, a full 10 years after its beginning. it was at that time that i realised, if i couldnt love, or at least like, myself, how could i expect anyone else to love me? and there was someone else, someone i desperately wanted to love me, someone i had been needing for months... someone i wrote about and trusted enough to show this page to, albeit after i had removed some of the content... just in case. you know who that someone was, of course. my chris. he has been there for me when anyone else probably wouldve given me up for lost. when i would have driven him away, he stood by me, and when i crumbled and broke, he caught me and built me back up again. he still does. thats why i need him, and some of the reasons i love him so desperately. he is my saviour, and nothing could change the way i feel about him.

which brings me to today. all of this has been a build up to an apology, and before i start, let me say im sorry its taken so long to get to it. but i needed you to understand what had happened, to be able to comprehend why i couldnt be here. dA was my outlet. this is where i could say and write and draw things that i could never have said anywhere else. its less scary and confronting for me here. i dont have to take responsibility, or think 'this is REAL' here. but to get out of the hole i was in (and it was a pretty big fucking hole, i can tell you) i had to face what i was doing and accept responsibility for my actions. i had to tell myself, 'you have a choice, and youre choosing to do this' and i had to make myself say no to the most tempting, seductive thing i can imagine. i had to deny my personal demons to become stronger. and if youve done that yourself, youll know how hard it truly is. i struggle every day with this thing, still, even now, more than 2 years whole, i still think about it and what i could be like, what i could do, how i could think...

its hard. im not trying for the sympathy vote with this, honestly. im trying to be as truthful as i can. what i needed to get over this, to allow myself to be loved by an incredible man, to allow myself to deserve to be loved, and not to hurt, was to get away from everything that used to be a part of it. that included dA, the people i used to talk to, places i used to go, music i used to listen to, certain movies and shows, clothes i used to wear... my entire life changed because of the choice i made to not be like that anymore. so far its working. that doesnt mean its not difficult. it doesnt mean im through with it. it just means that im dealing with this right now. and im winning. which is a good thing, i think.

so. im sorry that i havent been around. i have, in fact, missed you all terribly. i never stopped thinking about you, or wondering how you were, what you were up to, whether you were still here at all. i still care, i promise i do. i just couldnt be here. maybe one day i can come back and be a part of this community. but for now, its just going to have to be good enough for me to say- you are all very special, extraordinary, unique individuals, and it has been my pleasure and privilege to have known you. there is a special place in my heart for all of you that will never fade. thankyou for being there when times were rough, and helping me through when i couldnt make it on my own. i hope we meet again sometime, i really do. please take good care of yourselves, and each other. i know youre probably onto that one already. it just makes me feel better to say it. i love you guys. i hope you love yourselves too. im sorry... i wont forget you xoxox